In the spirit of Purim, let’s have some fun defining some terms of art that Israeli realtors might use to put a positive spin on home features that are somewhat less than appealing.
Charming – Do you want to revisit the “chalutz” period of Israel in the early 1900’s, complete with dirt floor and outdoor plumbing? If so, this home is perfect for you.
Conveniently Located – At the intersection of King George and Yaffo, right above a 24-hour schwarma joint. Apartment comes with “his and hers” ear and nose plugs.
Country Living – We hope you enjoy driving because this home is centrally located between Eilat and Cairo.
Cozy – Remember stories of your zaydie living with his mamma and pappa, and nine sisters and brothers in a 2-bedroom tenement apartment in the Lowest East Side? This is the home for them.
Friendly Neighborhood – In fact, several Sephardic grandmothers will be happy to lecture you on how you’re not putting enough layers of clothing on your baby – in Bet Shemesh! – in the summer!
Good Value – This property will never be taxed, as the owner never received a building permit.
Handyman’s Special – Reminds me of a house in the Old City the day after the final shot was fired in the Six Day War.
Intimate – The only home smaller than ‘cozy.’ These homes are perfect if you’d feel comfortable living in a sukkah.
Must See The Inside – Because the exterior hearkens back to the summer you volunteered in a Negev development town.
Needs Some TLC– Nothing like star gazing from your bed – through the roof!
Old World Charm – I don’t want to say the place is old, but the graffiti is in Latin.
Only One Owner – And he hasn’t made any renovations since David Ben Gurion declared Israel’s independence on May 15, 1948.
Plenty of Parking – Teddy Stadium is across the street.
Unique – Think of the built-in falafel bar in the center of the living room as a great conversation piece.
Water Views – If you stand on a ladder in the corner bedroom of the second floor and lean precariously out the window, you might be able to see the Mediterranean Sea on a clear day.
Water Front – Don’t stick your head out of the living room window when your upstairs neighbor is doing “sponga” unless you’re in dire need of a shower.
MY ISRAEL HOME wishes our readers a Purim Sameach!